You're a total mess and that's OK: Five Myths About Mindful Parenting

I lived in a Zen monastery for two years and have been practicing Zen (week-long silent meditation retreats, working on koans with a teacher, etc.) for over twenty. It cracks me up when people use the term “Zen” to describe feeling chill or tranquil. 

Contrary to popular opinion, practicing mindfulness is the roller coaster of a lifetime.

The quieter your mind gets, the louder your thoughts become. As your body grows still, the more you notice every tiny urge to itch, and stretch, and move and run. 

People often think that mindfulness is some state of being that you click into, and then...poof! All is well.

I wish!

The truth is that becoming mindful is a long and incremental process of becoming more human, and as you know, humans are MESSY!

Which makes being a mindful parent a study in exponential mess.

So how does one become a mindful parent?

By paying attention to your life.

Exactly as it is.

In the middle of a tantrum (yours), notice your shallow breathing, your resentful thoughts, your hot face.

That’s you—being a mindful parent.

When the sounds of bickering and incessant zoom call questions make your blood boil, get curious: where is the tightness actually happening in my jaw? Wow, I’m blinking a lot. My back hurts. I want to run away.

That’s you being a mindful parent.

Anyone can pay attention to a perfectly tended garden or a delicious meal or a beautiful child. Especially when they’re asleep.

But paying attention in the middle of your life—your mess—that’s where the money is!

When we see who we are and what we do, we have options.

When we begin to notice our very own darkness (in vivid detail) then, in time—and there’s no rushing it—we’ll begin to see the light.

Promise.

And besides, there’s no other way.

FIVE MYTHS ABOUT MINDFUL PARENTING

Myth #1: Mindful parents never yell or punish or shame their kids.

The truth is that mindful parents do everything a “regular” parent does! It’s just that we strive to pay attention to what we’re doing as we’re doing it, which makes our toxic behavior less compelling over time.

Myth #2: Mindfulness happens on a meditation cushion or yoga mat (and who has time for that?).

Meditation and yoga are wonderful tools for developing our mindfulness muscle, but they are technologies, not the thing itself. Mindfulness is just us! We carry it with us everywhere we go. Including the bathroom (to scream or otherwise) and the bar (we may lose it there, too…but hey!).

Myth #3: When I’m truly mindful, I’ll no longer be filled with resentment or anxiety. 

Actually, humans will always some level of anxiety, and anger too. The Buddha called this “suffering.” Sometimes, the more mindful we become, the more we notice our big feelings. That’s good. It means we’re alive.

Myth #4: I’ll be mindful tomorrow, when I’m less stressed.

As 14 year-old Azalea would say, OK.

Myth #5: Some people just suck at mindfulness. I’m one of them.

I often remember a story a Zen teacher told about a student who complained, I just can’t find my awareness. I’m no good at this. The teacher asked her, Do you ever watch a movie? The student said, Yes! I love movies.

Then you can pay attention, the teacher answered.

Paying attention is no big deal. As my teacher, Daido Loori used to say, it’s just doing what you’re doing while you’re doing it.

Including being the big beautiful mess that you are.

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