Seeking Shelter in the Storm of Insecurity? Writing can Help!
Of course you’re insecure. Who isn’t these days?
But guess what? Writing can help.
Let’s begin by looking at all the VERY good reasons for your insecurity.
For starters, there’s the fundamental insecurity of impermanence, which the Buddha said is the very nature of existence. You know, that excruciatingly melancholic fact that everything must end? Season 3 of Ozark, last night’s bowl of delicious bean soup, this beautiful fall, Azalea’s childhood, your thirties—will come to an end. That’s what the Buddha called suffering.
Total ugh.
And then there’s the more personal insecurity of feeling like you’re never kind- compassionate- spiritual- smart- successful- pretty- happy- in-shape- yogic- financially- stable- enough.
No fun there.
Add to that, these days, the big and loud insecurity of Covid, the election, through the roof stress and fear and anxiety.
Does anybody even sleep anymore?
And then there’s attachment insecurity, which we ALL feel, regardless of how we might ultimately be “classified.” Feeling insecurely attached is just that low hum of not being 100% sure we can depend on anything or anyone to protect us or feel us or know us or love us. And sometimes that low hum feels more like a fire-breathing dragon.
Put it all together, and...holy sh*t storm!
Of course you’re seeking shelter.
Me too!
And there’s hope.
One of the most FASCINATING things I learned in my ten-year journey into the science of attachment was during my training in the Adult Attachment Interview at the New School with Dr. Miriam and Dr. Howard Steele, co-directors of the Center For Attachment Research.
As much as I delighted in poring over Mary Ainsworth’s letters in Akron, her onionskin notes from Uganda and Baltimore that had been sitting on a closet shelf in Charlottesville, the thing that totally blew my mind (one of Mary’s fave phrases), captured my imagination, and changed my life was what I learned during this two-week training in how to read and code the AAI.
And that was: how we feel in relationships is revealed in how we tell our story.
Which made me wonder: can we learn to tell our story in a way that can improve the way we feel in relationships?
I believe the answer is YES!
The Adult Attachment Interview, like a Strange Situation for adults, is one of the most brilliant and scientifically robust instruments in the history of psychology. It’s an hour-long interview, which asks questions about one’s early attachment history—how you felt with each parent, what happened when you were ill or otherwise seeking comfort, and how you understand your parents’ behavior now, as an adult.
The interview is transcribed, then meticulously coded using several scales along two measures:
ONE: what was the speaker’s reported early experience in terms of parents being loving, neglecting, role-reversing, achievement pressuring, etc?
TWO: what is their current state of mind regarding that experience? The way this is measured is by decoding the overall coherence of their story. Specifically, does the speaker’s story about their childhood follow Grice’s maxims of quality (is it accurate?), quantity (is it the right amount of detail?), manner (is it clear?), and relation (is it relevant)?
The coding of the AAI is an ingenious, laborious and COMPLICATED process of weighing the two sides of the transcript—what the speaker reports about what happened and how they tell the story—to determine their current state of mind regarding attachment—autonomous/secure, insecure/dismissing, or insecure/preoccupied.
And yes, this is very different from so-called Attachment Styles that you can glean from using a self-assessment tool or quiz. Another tale for another time!
But here’s the juicy bit for all of us writers:
Since telling a good story is an indication of your adult attachment security, becoming a better storyteller can only help you feel more secure!
Regardless of the source of your insecurity—see above—writing is a process that hones our ability to be accurate, clear, relevant, and mindful.
Writing helps us clarify our minds to discern real threats from inherited fears.
Writing helps us see ourselves as we truly are.
Insecure? Sure—aren’t we all?!
Seeking shelter? Hell yes!
And empowered to tell the world all about it.
And that’s why I’ve been LOVING my work as a book coach, working with such smart people determined to find their most coherent selves. What an honor it is to witness someone’s process as they gather themselves for the hard work of transforming the story they can’t stop telling into a gift to the world.
Kind of like…in the therapy room?
One of the biggest surprises since the publication of my book, Strange Situation, a love letter to the science of attachment, is how I’ve been approached by so many psychotherapists and folks in other healing professions who would like help in writing their own non-fiction book. Some are writing about their work in therapy, others memoir.
So in addition to my one-on-one book coaching, I’ve decided to start a book-coaching group just for those folks who are so used to attending to others, they could sure use a moment for themselves.
To learn more about it and how it works, CLICK HERE.
Have I mentioned how TOTALLY PSYCHED I am about this?
Have I mentioned how your story heals me?
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PS If this workshop isn’t for you, I hope you’ll forward this to a friend who might find it helpful!