This week, Jennifer Senior, the author of All Joy and No Fun, wrote a piece in the New York Times called, “Mothers all Over are Losing it.”

Subtitle: “Pandemic life has made us feel more insecure about the aspects of our parenting we were already most insecure about.”

She’s not kidding.

She writes, “It’s perverse. The pandemic has made a thing that was already a source of shame for many of us all the more acute.”

At least once a week I hear from a mom who is exhausted and depleted—yes from the nightmare that is living with children during a pandemic, but even more so from the pressure she feels to live up to some impossible ideal and the debilitating shame of failing.

Sometimes this shame comes out of an attempt to follow Dr. Sears’ so-called Attachment Parenting advice, lest her child be unattached or insecure (oh the irony, and by the way if AP works for you, wonderful! But those are not the moms who write to me…).

Other times the shame is just an old and dark, terrible friend.

Mom shame may well be on the rise, where does all this shame come from?

As one mom so eloquently put it, “For some reason, as often as you hear it, thinking that your children will be better off if you take better care of yourself just feels wrong. The patriarchal conditioning runs deep!”

Now, if you’re like me, when you hear or say the word “patriarchy”, you might feel a little eye-rolly. Like some 1990’s shaved-head feminist quaintly trying to transform the way the world looks at sexual consent.

But the truth is that patriarchy—like white supremacy, heteronormativity, and capitalism for that matter—are not simply external structures holding us to certain patterns of behavior that benefit some over others in the macro, but these are insidiously internal ways of being.

And so patriarchy, for instance, which means “rule of the father” from the ancient Greek, is not simply a system of cultural, social, economic organization but it’s a belief we all internalize about our place and our position and our worth.

And these systems and beliefs seek perfection.

As an engine, patriarchy survives by pushing our humanity into straight (so to speak) lines, honoring simplicity over nuance, clarity over mess, fundamentalism over all else.

When I look into the mirror and wish my body were tidier, that’s patriarchy.

When I beat myself up for feeling depressed, that’s patriarchy.

When I feel shame about having complicated feelings about the people I love, that’s patriarchy.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about shame, and how it keeps us—all of us, but especially mothers—from doing the nitty gritty self-study that’s required of us.

It’s such a set-up!

We want to be good mothers, but we’re too filled with shame to look at our mixed feelings and our rage. So we keep mindlessly yelling or criticizing, or ignoring, again and again, which keeps us feeling insecure.

Oh the fly-trap morass of shame!

So here are five things I’ve learned about shame. I hope they’re helpful.

Shame is so embarrassing. One of shame’s most clever tricks is how shameful it is to feel shame. We’re supposed to be crazy confident...or are we?
Shame is NOT the same as regret. Regret requires careful self-study. Shame makes sure we never have a chance to do that. Shame keeps us repeating what we regret. Shames keeps us from learning from our mistakes.
Shame loves fundamentalism. Whether it’s abortion rights or sleep training, being on the right side of anything turns up the flame on shame. And shaming other people for being on the wrong side of said thing? Inferno time!
Shame hates nuance. Subtle discussions and finer points pour water on the fires of shame.
Shame will NOT help you be a better parent. Using shame to keep yourself in line only makes you smaller and more fearful. The only way to be better at love, is to feel all the feelings.

Shame is no joke. It keeps us from connecting with others because it keeps us from connecting to ourselves—all the messy parts that make us who we are.

Our shame keeps us preoccupied with our failings, and missing out on all the love that we have to offer, and to receive.

At the end of Jennifer Senior’s piece, she shares the words of Ellen Galinsky, the president of the Families and Work Institute.

“We judge ourselves based on the big things,” she said. “But it’s the simple things — like taking a walk — that make a difference to a child. To a child, the small things are the big things.”

In other words, say good-bye to shame, and say hello to delight.