7 Ways to Heal from Attachment-Parenting Trauma
You want the best for your baby. You want him or her to have the loving childhood you didn’t have, and the bright future you dream of.
And who are you (insecure and vulnerable new-parent-you!) to say no to the promised land of something as basic and important as “attachment?” Whatever that mysterious black box is, it sure sounds important and like a nightmare if you don’t manage to give it to your child.
Enter Dr. Sears, the pediatrician behind so-called Attachment Parenting, who Time Magazine called “the man who remade motherhood.” In 1992 he and his wife Martha published a book called The Baby Book that included “Seven B’s of Attachment Parenting”—which include things like baby-wearing, bed-sharing, breastfeeding on demand. This controversial style of raising babies was based on their premise that, “There is great comfort in feeling connected to your baby. Attachment parenting is the best way we know how to do this.”
As particular as attachment parenting is—using slings instead of play-pens, co-sleeping instead of cribs, zero tolerance for sleep-training of any kind— at the same time, the Sears’ couched their lifestyle brand as simple commonsense. “Attachment parenting has been around as long as there have been mothers and babies. It is in, in fact, only recently that this style of parenting has needed a name at all, for it is basically the commonsense parenting we all would do if left to our own healthy resources.”
Gaslighting at its finest.
But why would Dr. Sears and his wife Martha want to convince women to follow their attachment parenting principles? Well, because they believe—at least they did just one year before they published The Baby Book—that women’s place is in the home, attuning to their babies. Not working.
Check out the book that came out in 1991, one year before The Baby Book:
The epigraph on the first page of the book reads:
Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine
In the very heart of your house,
Your children like olive plants
All around your table.
(Psalm 128:3)
Need I say more?
I can’t speak to Dr. Sears’ current religious beliefs (and I certainly don’t have anything against Christianity!), but I don’t think I have to. The Attachment Parenting movement and its manifesto come directly out of a set of beliefs that wants women to stay home with their kids, even while the Sears family politely nods to modern life by saying things like, “everyone has to choose their own way,”
As if this weren’t sneaky enough, the Sears duo assigns their religious belief to attachment science: “Every statement has been thoroughly researched and has stood the test of time.”
But here’s the thing, Attachment Parenting is not based on attachment science. Not at all. From a scientific point of view, Attachment Parenting is just not a thing.
During my ten years studying the science of attachment, one thing has become crystal clear: we're all attachment parents. There’s no other kind.
As far as developing a secure attachment goes, the Sears’ checklist of behaviors points parents in the exact wrong direction—toward behaviors instead of feelings, toward the outside instead of the inside, toward their children instead of themselves.
Toward lists instead of love.
Dr. Mary Ainsworth (my queen), one of the early mavericks in the science of attachment discovered one thing at the heart of every securely attached caregiver-child relationship.
And that’s delight.
Delight is both a noun and verb. The best way we attune to our babies is by delighting in them. The only way to delight in our babies is to delight in our lives, in ourselves.
Because here’s the thing:
One of our human superpowers is the ability to color everything and anything with how we feel about it. So if we're seething with resentment, something as sweet as “babywearing” can have the exact opposite of its intended effect, which may have something to do with why so many people tell me that their child “hated” the sling. Of course a child hates it if a parent does. Good on the wise caregiver who decides to toss it aside if it’s not working.
I loved wearing Azalea in a sling. So much so that I did it until she was five years old. One reason is that I have an aversion to to big cumbersome gear in general and found the stroller impossible. And I actually delighted in the simplicity of the sling.
But that’s just me!
Lots of people love so-called Attachment Parenting, which is lovely, of course. Whatever works, by all means. But please don’t think sacrificing yourself is good for your baby because it’s not. Attachment security has ZERO to do with parenting style. Yes, and that includes whether or not you nurse or where your baby sleeps or gets pushed in a stroller. I’m happy to share some more science on that if you’d like. Just let me know in the comments below.
So here’s my version of Dr. Sears’ Seven-B’s of Attachment Parenting. which are: Birth Bonding, Breastfeeding, Baby wearing, Bedding close to baby, Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry, Beware of baby trainers (those advising people to try to parent with “convenience” in mind), Balance).
My Seven B’s of Being More Delighted, More of the Time
Be honest with yourself. Life is hard for human beings, and delight comes when we accept that and experience our real feelings. Don’t worry about not getting it right. Just feel what you feel. (Here’s an amazing guide.)
Begin to nurture your human superpower: your attention. Sense what it feels like (see above) when you pay close attention to something, anything—a movie, a stranger, a meal. Your feelings, Your baby.
Beware of boundary crossing. Try to respect your baby/child/teen’s autonomy. And remember that your baby/child/teen doesn’t mean to hurt you when she/he needs you or is angry. This is so hard!
Befriend yourself. Really. Talk to yourself like you would a friend.
aBandon shame. Just let it go. You’re really truly doing the very best you can. Keep striving, sure, but shame is a tool of the patriarchy and will disable you.
Beauty is always at the ready. Allow your pleasure-seeking to include the irritation and the boredom and the rage, like a lotus in muddy water.
Beliefs create reality. Explore who you think you are and what being a parent is supposed to be for you. You can do this with the help of a good therapist, or in meditation, with friends, or on your own.
I’d love to hear your stories about attachment parenting—the good, the bad and the ugly!
And even more importantly, how you find delight in your life.
Take care of yourself, my friend.
XOB
PS: If you’re so moved, please share this message with someone who could use some delight in their lives by clicking on the icons below. Or just forward it to a friend : )